Thursday, April 5, 2012

"Are You Going To Have Another?"

Another baby.
That's what we (or at least, I) keep getting asked.
Are you going to have another?
I find it odd. It's a normal question for most, but we battled infertility to have Boogs. I mean BATTLED. It was horrible. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I had a surgery to clear away crazy amounts of endometrial tissue (thanks endometriosis - you blow). I tried Clomid (a little pill that works for millions of fertility challenged couples) - nada. Clomid plus IUI - nada (but a super huge thank you to Clomid- I got the spots in my vision that are STILL there :-/ That crappy eye doc lied when she said no one ever had visual side effects from Clomid. But she was a Bishh and  I don't like her).
After several cycles on the C word, and no BFP (that's Big Fat Positive, as in positive pregnancy test to you fertile folks out there), we moved on to IUI with Injectables.
IUI, or IntraUterine Insemination, formerly known as Artificial Insemination, is when a small catheter is passed directly into the uterus and the washed sperm are placed directly into prime position to meet an egg. It's a slightly uncomfortable, completely unromantic way of conception. But romance doesn't work for everyone. :)
Injectables are fertility medications that you inject. Or your partner stabs injects you. At home. In my case several times a day. In my arse hip. They are wonderful drugs that are NOT covered by insurance and are unbelievably expensive. I had mine shipped from the UK and they were still less than 1/3 of the cost of buying the EXACT same med in America.
Okay, so at that point we were jabbing me with needles several times a day, I was getting ultrasounds and bloodwork twice a week, and still no BFP (Big Fat Positive - look at all the new stuffs I'm learnin' y'all!). At this point, it was completely emotionally draining to ride the roller coaster of living life two weeks at a time, praying for a baby. The emotional side of it is an entire series of posts alone. It's borderline unbearable.
Our final cycle had failed. I got my period. I was beyond consoling at this point. So many cycles - all failed. Our RE, or Reproductive Endocrinologist, or fertility doctor said we had burned through all our IUI attempts. Time to move on to IVF.
I was crushed. It just was not financially possible. How in earth could we come up with up to $10,000 per freaking cycle? We had paid for everything out of pocket for our IUI attempts, and that was over $2000 per month. I had applied for IVF scholarships but we were turned down. There are just too many who can't afford it and not enough money out there to help us all. And I couldn't see asking my parents for potentially $30,000 or more to TRY- no guarantees.
We talked it over. We slept on it. We prayed about it. We were out. Time to start finding the money to adopt. And time to start the process of fostering to adopt.

Then, a week later, I was horribly nauseated. I wanted to take something for it, but for some reason I wanted to test just in case. I know Hubs was thinking I was just torturing myself with another pending BFN, but because of the church service we had just left and the commitment we had made there - he was open to a miracle.
A Dollar Tree pregnancy test said we were pregnant.
Hubs went and bought half a dozen tests because he didn't believe it.

We were pregnant.

It was a very high risk pregnancy - I have Lupus and Sjogren's and a MTHFR gene mutation that makes staying pregnant almost as difficult as us getting pregnant. But those are different posts for future days.

But I stayed pregnant! And after a terrifying delivery that ended in an emergency Cesarean Section complete with me being rushed full-speed to the OR with my doctor yelling and swearing at everyone, "Why are my hands not in her uterus yet!? Dammit people!!" ( I am totally not making that up. That man was our ultimate protector and guardian and we love him forever.) - after a delivery like that, we just feel blessed to have our little family.

So we come back to the question at hand: Are we going to have another?
My stock answer is: If we have more, we're thrilled. If not, we're completely fulfilled.

And it's 100% true. I am so very happy and honored to be mommy to my little Boogs. He is sweet and wonderful and amazing and I truly can't imagine having another at this point. It's a frightening prospect to say the least. But because of our past fertility issues, who knows if we would even be able to get pregnant again?

Are we going to have another?
I don't know.
And I'm not even thinking that way right now. I'm just so in love with my little family. The future will unfold as it does.


Why am I writing about infertility? Why am I so open about it? Because it is a disease (that isn't covered by most insurance). It is not shameful. It needs to be discussed openly. We went through this pretty much alone. I know I had no one besides Hubs and my mom to lean on. Most of my friends were awkward with me or didn't get it. I am not ashamed of it.  


Amy said...

I'm so glad you were successful and I don't blame you for not wanting to be in the if trenches again. Good luck with your family